Unsure

Good morning! I have been reluctant to write much lately and cannot pinpoint exactly why, but would like to give some updates on how things are going.

First and most important, my pathology report came back. MY CANCER HAS NOT SPREAD!!!!! Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Do a happy dance!! All along, my surgeon and oncologist have been fearful that my cancer had spread based on the feel of the area and how it was presenting to them. My surgeon told me he was preparing me for the worst because he honestly believed it would be bad. He was never scary, but was definitely very open with his thoughts and feelings. I appreciated his approach and really felt confident that he was not sugarcoating anything, which made me feel like I wasn't going to be shocked if it was bad. BUT IT ISN'T!!! This is truly the BEST thing I could have hoped for. However, I still have felt very apprehensive about the whole thing. I feel nervous and scared. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like there's got to be something else coming behind this that is going to knock me back on my butt. So rather than let myself jump for joy and scream from the rooftops, I feel like my brain is telling my heart to pump the brakes a bit and don't get too excited. I wish I felt more elated, but I just don't. I guess I'm just too scared. I found out this news on Friday, February 20. I had an appointment with my nurse to remove the dressings from my wounds. My nurse said the incisions look great. In the middle of my appointment, my surgeon called with the results and had me call when we were finished. The nurse said my surgeon has adopted me, which makes me feel really good. From the beginning, I have felt like he was the right surgeon for me -- like he really is invested in my case and wants to do the best he can for me. Since he told me the results over the phone, I wanted to wait to see how I felt when we met in person to review them on Thursday, February 26. And to be honest, I still feel nervous. He said he understood exactly why I feel the way that I do, but that the cancer truly has all been removed. It did not travel outside of the milk ducts, it did not spread to my lymph nodes, and it did not spread to any other part of my body. Again, hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Do a happy dance!! So why don't I feel more excited?

I have given this a lot of thought. I guess I'm just still living in an unknown land. I don't meet with oncology until Friday, March 6 to go over what comes next. I don't know what kind of treatment I may or may not need next. I just don't KNOW any further answers that way. I don't know if they want further testing done. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. So I just feel like I'm lying in wait for now. I will know soon and I can figure out how I feel then.

The actual surgery and recovery have been pretty good so far. I have been really sore and really tired, but am in great spirits so far. I have had a ton of love and support thrown my way and it has made this SO much easier and better for me and my family. I was blessed to have my besties, Marissa and Trier, come home to visit and help out. My husband, parents, sister, PK, aunts, uncle, cousins, friends, etc. have been SO amazing. And truly, my kids have been even more amazing. In my opinion, they have made this experience so much easier on me because they are truly great children. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Do a happy dance!!

The worst part so far has been that I'm not able to take care of my kids and more specifically, I cannot hug and kiss my kids like I want. I cannot pick them up and play with them. It's so hard physically, but worse emotionally for me. I just am so disappointed and frustrated that I can't do what I want to do and it's because my body just isn't ready. I started physical therapy on Friday, which will help all of this and will help me get back to normal. My goals for physical therapy: 1) Play with my kids! 2) Put my hair into a ponytail myself (without pain!!)!!! It will come with time and I am being patient about the whole thing. I'm just lucky to have people that can help me out! =)

So although this post is a little overdue and it sounds a little Debbie Downer, I promise you that I AM doing well and I am in good spirits. I'm adjusting to my new body, my current limitations, and the reality of my situation. I am excited that I have been so lucky and blessed thus far. And I'm SO excited that my cancer has not spread. My heart is open to the messages and lessons that I am supposed to get from this experience. I already feel that I have learned a lot and that makes me excited. And surprisingly, my confidence in myself (emotionally and physically) has either remained the same or gotten even better. Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! Do a happy dance!!

Please keep sending love and prayers our direction. It makes me feel SO good to know you all are with me on this!! Until next time... =)