I've struggled with the idea of going back to work since before Dean was even born. I just hate the idea that I cannot take care of him all the time. I wish that I could. I often think that we could have bought a smaller home, cut back on expenses, and then I could have stayed home! But let's be honest, I love our home. I love TV and the internet. And I really love our Honda Pilot. Haha!
With all that said, it doesn't make it any less sad for me to not be able to care for my son myself. I have talked to my mom about this a lot. She told me that almost every woman feels this same way and that I am not alone in how I feel. However, she says that I am strong and will get through it. She also says he'll be well taken care of and I have nothing to worry about on that front. And I fully agree. I just wish I could do it! My heart has always been full, but with the addition of Dean, it has become overwhelmingly full. He makes my days happier and more complete. I just have to get used to the idea of my days being shaped a little differently.
Well...I started back to work on January 2. I was really busy New Year's Day with getting everything ready for taking Dean to his babysitter's house. I anticipated being full of emotions that day, but actually did a great job...until I put him to bed that night. I cried my eyes out. The tears just fell out of my eyes as I fed him and put him to sleep. And once again, Jerry was there. He was very supportive and thoughtful. I am so glad he was understanding.
As I got ready for work that next morning, I was still doing well. It was a new routine for both Jerry and me. We were going to have to play roles that neither of us had done yet. While I was getting ready, Dean woke up and was ready to eat. This would be his first bottle in the morning. I picked him up while waiting for Jerry to get up and ready to feed him. I think that was a mistake. When I gave him to Jerry to eat, he just cried. I had to finish getting ready and leave. Jerry and I kept in touch via text and Jerry said Dean scream-cried for the next hour until he finally got too sleepy to cry anymore, so he ate and fell asleep. I was so nervous. I was sitting at work thinking that this was exactly what I was afraid of. And I felt bad for both of them. Luckily, the rest of the day went great. And I did not shed one real tear!! I teared up on the way to work and one time at work, but did not cry. And that is a feat in itself.
Dean is being watched by our friend, Jennifer. We are so lucky to have her taking care of him. Jen has a baby as well, so she knows exactly what to do with Dean. The only thing that is different for her is that he is a boy and well...he has a wee wee! =) Jen sent me pictures all through the day. It was so nice to know that he was happy and having a great day. It brought me a lot of comfort. Jen and I have a notebook at that we are sending back and forth with notes about the baby. She tells me what they did each day, if he ate well, cried much, etc. It is such a great idea and I'm really excited about it. We even have a secret album on Facebook with pictures of Dean throughout the day.
The second day of babysitting went perfectly. Dean only cried for a few minutes in the morning while getting his bottle. I think it is just new for him to have a bottle instead of having me feed him. At least it tastes the same! =) This second week of babysitting has been even better, so he is having no problem with the new routine now. However, the routine is a little off. Jen's daughter got pneumonia, so Grandpa Mike has been watching Dean all week. My dad is loving his time with his grandson. They always have a great time together. We pick him up after I get off work, so my mom can play with him for a little while after she gets home from work too. Dean is so spoiled! =)
So in all, as much as I hate the idea of not being able to take care of Dean myself, I am blessed to have such a great support system for our little man. He is doing well and seems to be enjoying himself. Jerry and Dean are developing their own routine, which I think is really good for both of them. And I am actually enjoying working. We are all doing well!! =)
And plus, Dean gets to hang with his friend, Lila, all day!
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