When I found out I was pregnant, I was extremely excited. And then, as I'm sure most mothers are, I was nervous. When you are not pregnant, the choices you make with what you eat and do affect only yourself and your body. When you are pregnant, you have to think more about what you are eating and doing and how it will affect your baby. It can be overwhelming at times and then you totally forget about it other times.
Sometimes I miss being pregnant. If you put aside the crazy heartburn and trouble getting up and down, it really was a pleasant experience. I had a relatively easy pregnancy and didn't gain too much weight (thank goodness!).
I did have spotting during the first trimester and randomly throughout the rest of the pregnancy. It always made me really nervous. I actually had a conversation with God one day and asked that he make a decision about the baby. It is hard to admit, but it was hard to know if I should be excited or not. I spent the first trimester in limbo. Normally, my medical plan does not do an ultrasound prior to 20 weeks unless there is a problem. Since I did have spotting, we had the early ultrasound done. I had a lot of spotting that day and was extremely nervous to go to the ultrasound. Jerry came home to pick me up to go to the appointment and I was just crying. He was so incredibly supportive. I know he was really nervous too, but he just kept positive for me. My mom also came to the appointment with us. I think she made Jerry more nervous because she was really nervous. Everything turned out just fine though. The baby was measuring right on schedule and had no issues. After telling my midwife my fear of being excited, she told me that the placenta and baby look great and that I could be excited. It really helped to ease my mind.
I loved that while being pregnant with Dean, I knew that he was always with me and that I could essentially take care of him all the time. I would talk to him a lot. I would tell him all my hopes and dreams for him and our family. The feeling of him moving inside of my tummy was one of the weirdest and coolest things. I knew he was there and he was real. I would often just sit there and watch my belly move or put my hands on my tummy. I wanted to remember all of it.
Recently, I was talking to a girlfriend about how I felt like when he was in my belly that we had a lot of secret moments. Moments that no one else will ever know about. Conversations we had, quiet moments, daydreaming, etc. We are the only two that know about these things. No one else was there and no one else could ever be a part of those moments. Sure, there were plenty that Jerry was around for, but these were OUR moments. It was like we have a secret that no one else could ever know. I like to call them our secret moments. And sometimes I miss those moments. But we have new secret moments--ones that he and I share in the middle of the night or when it is just him and I at home.
I have always been a very sentimental and emotional person. Being pregnant didn't change that, but definitely did enhance it. Being a mom has blown that out of the water. I know that one day I will start to talk about something and Dean will look at me and say, "Really, Mom? Not again..." But I won't care. I will continue to love all of the little moments just as well as the big moments. And I hope to never forget about our secret moments.
But shh...don't tell anyone. Because it really is a secret.
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