Dear Eli,
I've written this letter to you hundreds of times in my head. I've gone over and over the things I want to tell you. I've erased and rewritten this many times. I guess there isn't anymore time left. It's the night before your very first surgery.
This surgery has been almost a year in the making. From the moment we found out about your cleft lip and palate, your dad and I have been mentally preparing ourselves for what is to come. Tomorrow is your first surgery of what will likely be many surgeries. While we cannot predict exactly how many, we do know this is the first step. You will have a lip and nose repair done tomorrow. I'm sure there's some fancy name for it, but it is basically where they will bring together your upper lip and create your left nostril.
When we first found out about your cleft, your dad and I were worried, scared even. That passed quickly and we decided that we were your best advocates, your best caretakers, and the best support you could ever need. We are here. Through the hard stuff, the easy stuff, and everything in between. We decided long ago that we would make the most out of this adventure -- for you and our whole family. We decided to share your story with our friends and family, with the people that love you the most. We decided to face this head on, ask a million questions, and educate ourselves and our family in the process. We are doing this together. This is your journey, our journey.
I already knew this would happen, but I fell in love with your sweet face the instant I saw you. You are my beautiful baby. Your cheeks were big like mine and your eyes were perfect like your dad's. You were the most perfect blend of the two of us. I have fallen in love with you more and more as the days pass. We love to look at each other and smile. When I look at you and catch you looking at me, you kick your legs with joy. It's amazing. There is nothing like our bond. You make everything about this life make sense.
I dreamed of you for years before you were ever here. I dreamed about whether you'd be a boy or girl, what your name would be, if you'd have hair or be bald like Dean and Lucy. I dreamed of your birth and keeping you a surprise. I dreamed of every detail. What I couldn't have dreamed of was how amazing this experience has been for you, me, our family, and our entire community. You have opened our hearts bigger than we knew before you were born. Your smile has melted the hearts of so many men and women! You are SO LOVED. You're a gift -- to everyone who has met you.
Everyone tells me you are the perfect baby. You are sweet, mellow, content, and happy. You are so easy to take anywhere. Everyone loves to see you and asks about you when you're not around. It's been such a wonderful experience sharing you and your personality with so many of our friends and family. Everyone will be thinking of you tomorrow. They will be praying for you and sending you lots of love. Isn't that amazing?? It makes your dad and I feel really great.
As I write you this letter, you are sleeping quietly on my shoulder in the dark. You have laid in this same position almost every single night since birth. I put my cheek against your soft cheek (even with the tape!!) and I listen to your little breaths. I cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings and yet I know that nothing will change at all. My love for you will grow bigger tomorrow than it was today. I will protect you and keep you safe. I will hold you close and comfort you when you're upset. I will love you to the end of the earth, my baby bug.
I cannot wait to see what is in store for you. I pray for you and for your continued journey, my beautiful boy. I will be there when you fall asleep and I will be right there when you wake up. Daddy and I cannot wait to snuggle you tomorrow.
With all of our hearts, we love you. I love you, Eli.
All my love,
Mommy
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